Pregnancy, Labor, and Childbirth 101

Pregnancy, Labor, and Childbirth 101

So...I've decided to do everyone a favor and let you know exatly what doctors and nurses don't tell you about being the entire process!!!

Pregnancy

• The food cravings are NOT a lie...seriously, don't mess with that one
• You will have an aching back, swollen feet, heart burn/acid-reflux (month 7), insomnia
  
• You're ALWAYS hot
• The cervical exam is like getting fisted by a monkey
• Guys...sorry, but the horny myth is just that...a myth. Not only will your significant other feel unattractive, her entire body hurts, her boobs squirt milk, and the gymnastics involved in actually having sex make you too tired to even finish it

Labor and Childbirth

• It hurts...a lot. At one point I looked up at Rob and said "if you love me at all...please, please kill me now."
• Nubane is sooooo sooo important....ask for it early and often
• Sleep through as much of it as you can
• Hope your Epidural works...mine didn't (in which case, plan better than I did and purchase and bring the black tar heroin with you ahead of time)
• The baby is coming out...I thought that everyone was lying to me and that it was a big conspiracy when they said I was making progress...cause it sure as hell didn't feel like it.
• Resist the urge to use the last bit of energy to kick your doctor in the face when he/she tells you that you're not pushing hard enough
• Do whatever feels comfortable and makes you happy...you know your body best. I kicked all the doctors and nurses out of the room and ignored what they wanted and did what felt best for me
• Just when you think its all over and you have the baby pushed out....LOOK FORWARD TO THE PLACENTA....Of course I told my doctor that I didn't care if it was toxic, I wasn't pushing anymore and she could just figure a way to get it out herself
• It's still not done after the placenta...now you get stitches!!!
• They keep you up in the delivery room until you can get up to the bathroom and pee

The First Few Weeks

• Nothing is more depressing than realizing the day after you've given birth that you still look six months pregnant...don't panic...it goes away
• You will wear the adult equivalent of an almost diaper for six weeks
• You loose blood and fluid for six weeks
• Save your percocets for the day your milk comes in...you get a fever...you have to ice your boobs...and everything hurts
• Forget a diet...you're so busy taking care of the baby that you're not going to have time to eat...or sleep
• Sex...I don't think I need to say anything to girls. But straight guys, pretend you're gay and gay guys pretend you're a bottom...and if you're a bottom you're gonna be pretty good in the imagining part. Imagine birthing a baby out of your butt...would having a penis in that butt any time soon be THAT appealing??
  

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NEW MOM WHEN THERE ARE AS MANY COFFEE CUPS AS BOTTLES, YOU THNK ITS A REALLY GOOD AND PRODUCTIVE DAY IF YOU'VE SHOWERED AND CHANGED SWEATS, AND YOU'VE GONE TO PICK UP A REDBULL AND STUCK A BOTTLE IN YOUR MOUTH....CHEERS!!!